March 2009
1 post
What's the Word?
What’s the word for when you drop something and then stick out your foot to keep it from hitting the floor, only to have it do more damage to your foot than it probably would have done if it hit the floor?
I mean besides “Fucking Stupid.”
Related: OW.
[For those who will wonder: I was carrying a computer tower with the keyboard laid on top when the keyboard slid off and headed for the...
January 2009
6 posts
Childish Things
“…in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things”
said Obama in his Inaugural Address
“He’s not the president if he didn’t say the words in the exact order! He didn’t have his hand on a Bible!”
said The Childish Things.
Ideas for articles.
“Isn’t Supergirl blonde?” And other questions posed by costume party photos.
An interview with an excessive tagger: the dark side of name-dropping.
Experiments in going outside and maybe not judging people by their Facebook profiles.
Even though it’s really fun.
WatchSouvenir.
Abby’s family went to Japan. And then came back. And brought things.
Alterior motives.
Child services only took away Adolf Hitler Campbell from his parents because they know about that too much goose-stepping leads to terrible scoliosis.
Cleaning regimen.
One of my new housemates informs me that the secret to laundry is to leave it until it “ferments and smells like wine”.
I feel like I should let you know that if anything is left long enough to “ferment” then something has happened to me and police should be called.
You Can Leave This Story Out
When they write the biography of my life, the night I broke the cover on the florescent light trying to use The Boy’s “toy horse-head on a stick” to get a mouse will probably not be my most shining moment.
November 2008
1 post
Why Cats Suck
I rarely get more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night. This is because my cat is an asshole. I can only imagine this is what goes on in her tiny pea brain:
4 am: I desperately need to go to the living room for some reason! U can open door, plz? (LOL speak iz cute, no?) 4:15 am: Oh yeah, I forgot the living room is boring when everyone is sleeping, I think I’d like to come...
October 2008
3 posts
Sarah Palin Inspires Me
I think Sarah Palin has inspired me to add a new word to the English lexicon.
Has anyone else called her a “Butterwords”?
If not, I totally copyright that.
Also? EW.
Financial crisis in terms I can understand. . .
I loan my deadbeat pederast brother $10 for a bag of lollipops and lube, knowing full well the sick bastard is gonna spend it all entertaining his “boy” friend, and will NEVER be able to pay me back.
Still, I tell him he must pay me $50 in two weeks for the loan.
(I gots to get paid!)
He did not pay me back and now I have no money for Ramen.
And, did I mention I made the same deal to a bunch...
Gotta have a hobby.
I’d be interested in a chart detailing prevalence of laptop bags vs. limps worldwide, over time. Which is lucky. Because I think you might very well be the most boring man alive, and actually have that chart on you right now.
I mean, come on- it can’t be all about the model trains and beige suits, right dude?
September 2008
11 posts
Is it a failing?
In the coming weeks, many will most likely presume that I somehow failed my son. And myself, I suppose.
But is it a failing to home-school an innocent child? Is it a failing to teach him to always wonder, and have no limits on his intellectual discovery? Is it a failing to inspire him to fix what he deems broken?
Certainly, I will admit, it was a failing to teach him where the chloroform was....
Staff of the Morning Due, let's calm the fuck...
When he said “Grande” he meant “Medium.” It’s a real word, people. He didn’t say “vente” and Amy, Amy I know you locked yourself in the customer bathroom with Julio the dishwasher yesterday and I hear you have good cause to know the meaning of the word “grande” and our large is really just a medium in this more-more-more consumer world,...
Ballet Shoes
For the past few days I’ve a been carrying around a one hundred dollar bill, given by a friend with a debt and seemingly no smaller currency.
I’ve been trying to use it all over New York - shops, stores, boutiques, boulangeries, movie houses, anything with a cash register. And nothing. No one would take it without a purchase of at least $98 so they wouldn’t run out of change.
...
Sticks and Stones
(Scene: Talking with a friend. Someone is throwing a baby shower for he and his wife today. It's a "couple's shower" meaning men and women are expected to go. To a baby shower. Yes, really. Why? I don't know either.)
Him: You coming this afternoon?
Me: Can't, have to watch The Kid.
Him: (rolling eyes) You're totally wussing out on me.
Me: I've been accused of worse and less-true things.
Peligroso!
Lately I have been listening to “Learn to Speak Spanish” CD’s in the car. (I started off with the “Learn Sign Language” series, but I got into a lot of knife fights when people thought I was making obscene gestures at them.)
From "Things I should get done in case the LHC...
Clean the gutters.
Yeah. No.
Tell Mom I love her.
Lie, then.
Laundry
Okay, underwear. What? I had too many tortillas.
Release the hounds.
I put that one in as a joke, but it would’ve looked really bad if I’d been hit by a car or something.
Still, it’s not like I knew that that kid was gonna get mauled.
Communication Breakdown
9:30 a.m. (me, to secretary): “I’m going to be working on a project until 11:30. If anyone calls, I’ll take it if it’s an emergency, but otherwise ask if I can call them back after 11:30.”
11:15 a.m. Secretary opens my office door, without knocking, to deliver me three pieces of what can easily be identified as junk mail.
Icing on the cake? We all have personal...
Timing
(True story my Dad told me about a guy he worked with. I’d actually met him. He was totally “the guy this would happen to.” We’ll call him “John” for reasons that are as obvious as they are uncreative.)
“So, John finally decides that he’s going to go to a prostitute. He’s nervous as hell that someone is going to find out. He parks about 3...
Things other than sheets of uncut dollar bills...
Josh Groban tickets Polaroid film Leather handbag with liposuction fat filling Karl Rove’s hair Oil “Guernica”
(inspiration)
Actual email exchange from my INBOX
Supervisor: (Group email) "Please remember that after the meeting on Thursday we will take pictures for the new photo ID badges."
Me: (Private reply) "Thanks! I'll try to remember to brush my hair!"
Supervisor: (Private reply) "Please try to look natural."
Me: "Are you saying I _shouldn't_ brush my hair? Please advise."
(Still waiting.)
To whom it may concern,
I would like to have sex on your bus.
Well, more accurately in your bus, I would suppose. My wife and I have been married for over two years now and the sex is becoming staid. We figure the best thing to do would be to fuck on some kind of multi-person transport vehicle.
Like your bus.
We’ll obviously buy out the whole thing, so it’s just us and the driver. We’d prefer a...
August 2008
7 posts
Dear Jessica
Writing this hurts, but I think we need to break up.
We had some good times. Like that time I wanted to walk you to work, and I guess you were late because you ran all the way. You’re fast; I struggled to keep up! And that time your phone kept running out of battery and hanging up the call when I was trying to talk to you. That happened all the time, you need a new phone!
The truth is,...
Literary Review
I’m back at college today. Haven’t been here for some time. I hear there was a ‘summer vacation’, which is pretty lucky, I guess. Returned an overdue library book- although they told me to keep it. Apparently they use the DSM IV now.
I figure they’ll still need III, though, or new readers are gonna be totally confused. And if I’d held on to the thing I would...
Why Babies Aren't So Difficult
No reason to stress out over your new baby.
Some time and money saving tricks I use:
1. Keep your baby in a dog crate. With a hamster water bottle and a food dish. Change the paper as needed. (Although, this step can be avoided if adding food to the dish becomes a bore. If hungry enough, babies will eat ANYTHING.)
2. Put wheels on the crate for when the baby starts crying. Easily push the crate...
6 out of work actors now seeking employment in the...
First off - yes, there are 6 of us. I know what you’re thinking - “Just how many out of work actors does it take to change a lightbulb?” You know what? You are right to ask. But, surprisingly, we all have our roles to play. Meg mostly scans the trades for new opportunities for your old light-bulb. Tim’s gonna hook it up with a sweet head-shot guy; he does that cool...
Dear Parents,
Some of you have expressed concern that the recent addition of an ‘Amputee’ merit badge was motivated purely by a desire to ‘cover our asses’ after a recent spate of axe-handling mishaps.
We’d like to assure you that, as always, the only asses we’re covering are your children’s. And we’re covering them in fine American values.
We express deep...
John McCain: Jim, will you help me with a YouTube?
Jim, I made a film and I want to send it to a YouTube. How do I do that? No NO DON’T JUST DO IT I can’t learn unless you TEACH me. Now I double-click here right? Jim! You fucked it up, you asshole! You fucked it—oh. Good. Okay, I give up, just do it. Because that cat is so fucking cute and I want people to see it.
THIS IS THE FRIST POST
I WROTE “FIRST” WRONG CUZ IT’S FUNNY
NOW ANYTHING AFTER THIS WILL BE FUNNIER THAN THE FIRST (FRIST HA HA HA) POST