Not Really Twitter
Comedy by people with funny Twitters. 141 characters to 140 words per post.
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What’s the Word?
What’s the word for when you drop something and then stick out your foot to keep it from hitting the floor, only to have it do more damage to your foot than it probably would have done if it hit the floor?
I mean besides “Fucking Stupid.”
Related: OW.
[For those who will wonder: I was carrying a computer tower with the keyboard laid on top when the keyboard slid off and headed for the floor (concrete) and I stopped it with the tendons on the top of my (bare) foot that connect my toes to my foot. It wasn’t even a nice keyboard. It was, however, a nice foot.]
Childish Things
“…in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things”
said Obama in his Inaugural Address
“He’s not the president if he didn’t say the words in the exact order! He didn’t have his hand on a Bible!”
Ideas for articles.
“Isn’t Supergirl blonde?” And other questions posed by costume party photos.
An interview with an excessive tagger: the dark side of name-dropping.
Experiments in going outside and maybe not judging people by their Facebook profiles.
Even though it’s really fun.
Abby’s family went to Japan. And then came back. And brought things.
Alterior motives.
Child services only took away Adolf Hitler Campbell from his parents because they know about that too much goose-stepping leads to terrible scoliosis.
Cleaning regimen.
One of my new housemates informs me that the secret to laundry is to leave it until it “ferments and smells like wine”.
I feel like I should let you know that if anything is left long enough to “ferment” then something has happened to me and police should be called.
You Can Leave This Story Out
When they write the biography of my life, the night I broke the cover on the florescent light trying to use The Boy’s “toy horse-head on a stick” to get a mouse will probably not be my most shining moment.
Why Cats Suck
I rarely get more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night. This is because my cat is an asshole. I can only imagine this is what goes on in her tiny pea brain:
4 am: I desperately need to go to the living room for some reason! U can open door, plz? (LOL speak iz cute, no?)
4:15 am: Oh yeah, I forgot the living room is boring when everyone is sleeping, I think I’d like to come back to bed.
5am: But WAIT- I’ll bet there’s totally something exciting going on in the living room now!!!
5:15 am- Hmmm. Still boring. Oh well, I think I am hungry instead- while you’re up would you be a dear and put some kibbles in my bowl?
5:20 am: chomp, chomp, chomp
5:25 am: chomp
5:45 am: I think I would like for you to pet me now.
6:00 am: Hey! Hey! HEY!!! So, uh- you awake yet? How ‘bout now? NOW?
7:00 am: I sure am tired. I think my stupid fuzzy ass is going to sleep FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. What’s that? You have to get up now? OK. Would you mind turning out the light when you leave. K? Thx!
Sarah Palin Inspires Me
I think Sarah Palin has inspired me to add a new word to the English lexicon.
Has anyone else called her a “Butterwords”?
If not, I totally copyright that.
Also? EW.
Financial crisis in terms I can understand…
I loan my deadbeat pederast brother $10 for a bag of lollipops and lube, knowing full well the sick bastard is gonna spend it all entertaining his “boy” friend, and will NEVER be able to pay me back.
Still, I tell him he must pay me $50 in two weeks for the loan.
(I gots to get paid!)
He did not pay me back and now I have no money for Ramen.
And, did I mention I made the same deal to a bunch of hobos and a really cool looking bird I saw in the park?
They didn’t pay me back, either.
Another thing, I sold all the debt to my retarded cousin because he’s a gigantic melon head.
Anyway, my mom bails us all out by making us mac and cheese with hotdogs cut up into little pieces.
